Marriage Mentoring Toolbox

Marriage Mentoring

Toolbox

Pantano Christian Church

Family Ministries

Hello Potential Marriage and Family Mentor,

First, I want to say thank you for your willingness to consider investing in the lives of others. We believe that the most significant life change occurs in the context of authentic relationships. Our goal is to promote healthy interaction between mentor and mentee couples in the spirit of II Timothy 2:2 (“reliable men… qualified to teach others”). Our ultimate goal, however, is not just to build strong marriages and families, but to equip couples to make a difference in our culture (including their families) by living out their faith—authentically and intentionally.

The primary focus of our ministry will be couples preparing to marry (or remarry), couples wanting to move from ‘good to great’, crisis intervention and those who are new parents. Mentoring is such a powerful way to come along side couples because it is positive, encouraging and non-confrontational.

Please be assured we are not looking for perfect marriages (they don’t exist!). We seek couples who are authentic and transparent, and who have relied on Jesus Christ to grow them through their journey and are willing to share that journey with others (II Corinthians 1:3-4).

Pantano Christian Church has adapted with permission a marriage mentoring model developed by Eric and Jennifer Garcia (Scottsdale Bible Church and AMFM). I am thankful for their incredible giftedness and spirit of generosity.

Thanks, again, for your willingness to allow God to use to make a difference in the lives of others. I pray God will richly bless you. I look forward to serving with you.

Jeff Parziale

Family Pastor

I. Marriage Mentoring

The purpose of marriage mentoring is to lovingly invest in the preparation, maximization,

or restoration of lifelong marriages by walking alongside couples who are

less experienced than their mentors.

Why Marriage Mentoring?

Marriage takes intention and continual effort. When couples work at their marriages, marriage works. However, marriage can be painful and couples can feel stuck.

The values Marriage Mentors can bring are as follows:

Community rather than isolation
Realistic expectations
Guidance since the early years of marriage are tough
Realism to counter the false reality of marriage in the 21st century
Experience and skills with remarriage issues
Help before until it is too late
Avoidance of major hurts and roadblocks
Wisdom in different stages of marriage (unique challenges)
Encouragement. Negative cultural influences impact the best of marriages-couples feel defeated before they get started
Role models
Excellent resources/tools

The purpose of a mentoring ministry

The church is called to serve people at their point of need just as Christ did during His walk on earth. Due to the relationally bankrupt culture that we live in, couples need other couples walking with them through life. People are hungry for real, authentic relationships and mentoring is a great place to start. They desperately need to see couples who have made mistakes demonstrate commitment and discovery of solutions. Marriage mentoring encourages and supports couples through trusted relationship. Also, it assists couples by resourcing them with healthy tools, provides a model of a couple addressing real issues as they share relevant life experiences, couple-to-couple. Couples do not need pious platitudes or vague pie-in-the sky advice. Rather, they need authenticity. Christ modeled acceptance and presence.

II. Marriage Mentors

Marriage mentors are couples who have been married long enough to have good experience with life challenges, successes, conflicts and mistakes.

Who are Marriage Mentors?

Experienced guides
Healthy, not perfect couples
Listeners (helpful: “Can You Hear Me Now?” by Dallas & Nancy Demmit)
Couples of all ages and in different stages in their married life
Couples that have a heart to serve other couples
Good listeners
Care about others
Value marriage
Want to help other couples build healthy marriages
At different stages of married life

What do Marriage Mentors do?

Create an environment of trust
Give unconditional love
Share life experiences
Give couples permission to ask life questions
Give couples permission to not be perfect
Serve as role models
Provide a neutral perspective
Give access to resources and tools
Provide a marriage perspective from both the male and female point of view

Serving gives great value to the mentor couple as they reflect on their own marriage.

What are they not expected to be?

Flawless (perfect)
Advice givers
A parent
On call 24/7
Marriage counselors, Professors or Therapists
Experts or “know-it-alls”
Teachers/Lecturers
Rescuers or fixers
Intruders or meddlers
Connected for a lifetime
Expected to have all the answers
Responsible for solving a couples problems

A marriage mentor couple:

Willingly shares what they know (in a noncompetitive way)
Represent skill, knowledge, virtue, and accomplishment because they have gone before the couple they are mentoring
Takes a personal and heartfelt interest in the other couple’s development and well-being
Offers support, challenge, patience, and enthusiasm while guiding other couples to new levels of competence
Points the way and represents tangible evidence of what another couple can become
Exposes mentee couple to new ideas, perspectives, and standards
Has more expertise in terms of knowledge and experience, yet views themselves as equal to those they mentor.

Mentees are:

Engaged couples
Newly marrieds
First-time parents
Remarrying couples
Couples struggling in their marriage
Couples in crisis
Good-to-great couples

Relational cautions (Danger Zones)

Avoid too much contact (do not overwhelm them)
Do not break confidentiality
Know your boundaries and limits
Let your limits be your guide
Avoid over-talking and under-listening
Be a mentor not a counselor
Get both the husband and wife’s perspective; never take sides on issues
Healthy relationships, not dependency
Avoid dual relationships

Mentoring “red flags”

Addictions
Anger outbursts
A recent financial or emotional setback
Unstable marriage
Significant financial debt
Deep unresolved emotional wounds
One person of couple far more motivated to mentor than other
Trying to help your own marriage
Avoid personal responsibility for problems
Need to be right
Do not handle disagreements well

Common mentoring pitfalls

Interrogation or over-talking
Fear of silence
Suggesting solutions too soon
Impatience
Moralizing or judging
Reluctance to refer
Projection

Mentoring is all about building a trusted relationship with your mentee couple. Through this trust you will have the opportunity to model a healthy marriage, share life experiences, encourage and have a positive influence in a younger couple’s marriage experience. Please do not place undo pressure on yourself to be perfect, experts, professionals or rescuers, but rather a couple that truly cares for the younger couple the Lord has given you to serve. Eric & Jen Garcia.

III. What is mentoring?

A marriage mentoring relationship is intentionally established by mutual agreement between a more experienced couple and a less experienced couple for the purpose of

helping the less experienced couple. Les and Leslie Parrott

Marriage mentoring is an intentional supportive friendship, the power of a shared life and journey. Mentoring is not meant to be counseling, taking sides, fixing or parenting couples. Effective mentors display warmth, genuineness and empathy.

To be qualified as mentors, you need to have a successful marriage at your stage in life, be able to ask questions in a non-threatening manner and be willing to share your stories in an encouraging way. Mentors do not have to be educated marriage counselors or have the “perfect” marriage. You simply need to be willing and able to share in loving and caring ways the journey and life lessons of your married life.

Marriage mentoring triad

In The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring, Les and Leslie Parrott talk about three areas of mentoring.

Preparing: Building solid foundations for engaged couples

Maximizing: Deepening and enriching marriages; families

Repairing: Encouraging couples in distress

Key mentor traits

1. Godliness

2. Authenticity

3. Consistency

4. Humility

5. Caring

Characteristics of mentoring relationship

1. Investment—personal commitment; mentors offer a window into their own marriage

2. Service—mentors consistently act in the interests of the mentee couple; mentors are not working through their own issues, but present and available to the mentee couple

3. Safety—mentors provide an atmosphere that reduces anxiety and fear and promotes freedom and acceptance; the mentor relationship is a safe, confidential place

4. Responsiveness—mentors are consistent in scheduling meetings and demonstrating a willingness to help

5. Empowerment—mentors encourage mentee couples in their confidence and competence through sharing experience and wisdom.

6. Accountability—mentor couples follow up to ensure that mentee couples are benefiting from the mentoring experience

Communication “Do’s” and “Don’ts”

Do give your full attention

Don’t lose your sense of humor

Do remember that men and women have different priorities

Don’t interrupt

Do demonstrate honor and respect

Don’t assume, ask

During tough times

If the mentee couple is struggling, please stay calm. Reduce the tension by having the couple take a deep breathe and allow their level of intensity to subside; here are some simple suggestions:

1. Offer encouragement and support

2. Suggest resources that have helped you

3. Share your own personal experiences

4. Talk slowly and softly

5. Don’t panic

6. Pray

7. Be non-judgmental

8. Find places of agreement

9. Normalize the experience

10. If necessary, ask them to stop talking for a time

IV. Helping Marriages Thrive, not Just Survive

Many couples may have what they would describe as a fair or even good marriage, but feel stuck in their relationship. Growth and passion seem like distant dreams. This is especially true after children are born. Husbands devote this time to work and wives to taking care of the children.

Marriage, however, is not static; it is ever changing. In order to help couples take their existing marriage from good to great, it’s necessary to mentor them in areas

Couples who are thriving seem to be skilled at and able to apply the following skills:

§ Empathetic listening

§ Effective conflict resolution

§ Making regular deposits into their spouses love bank

§ Understanding their spouses’ love language

§ Small acts of service and kindness

§ Open and honest communication

§ Initiating intimacy

§ Asking “magic” question—“Is there anything you need from me right now?”

Building a solid marriage

There are key qualities for a good-to-great marriage: shared values and spiritual beliefs, shared rituals and gestures, a common problem-solving style, a similar way of looking at the world, and also small daily acts of self-sacrifice that signal an individual’s willingness to put ‘we’ above ‘me.’

A strong couple bond begins with two key personal ingredients: respect and love. Healthy couples tend to make regular deposits into one another’s “love bank.” Deposits are made by spending quality time together and by acts of kindness and consideration. Healthy couples know a great deal of information about one another. They tell stories about their marriages that are positive and uplifting. Happy marriages are based on deep friendships. Committed partners listen to and are influenced by one another. Healthy relationships create an atmosphere where authentic sharing can happen. Needs are addressed openly and the couple can move fluidly from my needs to your needs to our needs. In strong marriages, couples share a deep sense of meaning and purpose; they search for ways to fulfill each other’s hopes and dreams. Building a strong couple bond follows the First Corinthian 13 model of agape love.

Suggestions for strengthening the couple relationship

Be crystal clear on this: your partner is a flawed, broken imperfect person (like you) who is just as committed as you are, who wants to love and be loved and who is doing the very best he or she can to make this marriage work.

Make God a partner in your marriage. Understand the covenant relationship God is calling you to.

Commit together to not allow anything or anyone to come between the two of you.

Make your marriage a safe place. Work to create an open, accepting, non-judgmental marital environment that encourages frank disclosures and provides a safe place to air differences and plan solutions. Focus on the positives. Nurture your friendship, stay connected, practice forgiveness, encourage one another, and trust God in all things. (Matt. 19:26; Phil. 4:13; Rom. 8:28; John 15:7)

Build your marriage on these three pillars:

a) Nurture the relationship: focus on one another’s needs—know your partner’s needs and work hard to meet them. Pray together. Think romance. Become an expert on the needs of your partner (Romans 12-14; Phil. 2:3-11; I Cor. 13.).

b) Build solid middle ground in your marriage. Develop a shared vision for your marriage and family. Agree on a definition of a healthy, Godly marriage. Look for new ways to strengthen and enjoy your relationship. Be clear about your goals, values and priorities.

c) Develop a consensus on parenting and child-related issues. Learn to work together. Be patient with each other; neither you nor your spouse can change overnight.

Decide together how much time will be spent each week to discuss “emotionally charged” issues. Set aside a specific time each week to discuss these issues. Keep in mind there are no perfect solutions.

Fight for quality time. Make some times together “sacred.” Find time to play, laugh, love, talk and pray.

Support each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical health.

Develop strong communication and problem solving skills.

Rules for Good Communication

Communication is about getting needs met. This happens in a neutral environment where both people are willing to share and listen, honestly and authentically.

The speaker can say what he or she thinks needs to be said, except for derogatory statements, make-wrongs, shaming words, blaming words, globalizing words. Nothing to inflame the conversation. Just facts, feelings and thoughts, true and honest.

The listener listens carefully to what is being said, even when having a reaction. Breathing through the reactions, giving the speaker the respect of being listened to.

When the speaker is done, the listener will reflect back to the speaker a summarized version of what the speaker said, to make sure the speaker is fully understood.

The speaker will take this opportunity to further clarify what he or she said and meant to say.

If the speaker provided new information, the listener will come back with a summarized version of what the speaker said, to make sure the speaker is fully understood.

Now the listener gets to switch roles with the speaker. The new speaker now speaks freely, truly and honestly, but carefully.

The new listener gets to listen fully and later summarize what the speaker said and so on.

Take turns until both feel resolved about the topic of the original conversation. Do not end the conversation until both of you feel resolved – do not give up on what you want, need, feel, etc.

10. If tempers flare, voices get raised, and things are said that should not be said, take a break.

11. Later, when both are cooled off, apologize to each other and re-engage.

12. If need be, schedule a time to have this conversation again, and work through the steps to resolution.

HOW TO FIGHT FAIRLY

“It is difficult not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” — George Sala

Saying the wrong thing or giving the wrong message, at the tempting moment can chip away the very fabric of what could be a satisfying relationship. Below are some very basic “Fair Fighting Rules,” that can help couples solve problems more effectively. These rules can assist a couple in sharing their feelings and thoughts concerning a tension-filled subject. They are effective in helping couples understand one another and yet avoid destructive and negative communication patterns. The biggest cause of failure in relationships is the inability to solve problems and have healthy conflict.

Rule #1 TIMING is of the essence. Choose a time when an important discussion will not put a damper on other activities. Find a time when there will be enough time. You can ask your partner to suggest a time for the two of you to discuss a particular topic. Choosing a place is also part of the timing decision. It will take maturity and self-discipline to manage this timing element. For example, think to yourself, “Okay, I am upset about this and need to talk about it, but I am going to put it on my shelf until an appropriate time.” It may be then that you approach your partner and set a later date to share feelings and thoughts about the issue. Then when the appropriate time comes, take the issue or concern down from the shelf and discuss it. Don’t try to solve problems when one or both of you are rushed, hungry, tired, sick or irritable—it never works.

Rule #2 NO HITTING BELOW THE BELT. This is obviously a term borrowed from boxing. Just as in the boxing arena there are some places you just do not go if you want to fight fair. Following are some tactics which are considered below the belt (don’t do these!):

1) Direct or indirect name-calling. Name-calling is a low blow and will always bring pain and regret. Name-calling is not appropriate for one another nor is it appropriate to direct such titles to friends or family of the other. No foul language or name-calling.

2) Verbal or non-verbal threats. Threatening anything is a power play and does not have a place in healthy conversation. No threats.

3) Physical violence. Physical violence is a choice and such a choice comes from a fearful heart. This option is never an appropriate tactic. Violence is coercive, intimidating and manipulative; it’s about winning at all costs.

4) Changing the subject when you are losing. Solving problems isn’t about winning; it’s about getting understanding each other. If you are wrong, admit it and move on.

5) Bringing in other topics or people. Stick to the subject at hand. Deal with only one issue at a time.

Rule #3 USE “I” MESSAGES. These are essential when discussing a difficult topic. An “I” message reduces defensiveness, retains control, shows acceptance of responsibility. Whereas a “you” message promotes defensiveness, gives away power, gives responsibility to the other person. Talk about how you are feeling, not how you think the other person is feeling or “how” they are “making” you feel. No one can make you do or feel anything. Avoid “always” and “never” in you conversations.

Rule #4 SHARING FEELINGS is a vital part of discussing a tough topic. Identify what you are feeling and share your feelings with your partner. The “I” message is a terrific vehicle for this communication. Listen carefully to your partner and give your partner messages of hearing and understanding what you are being told. If you are not sure, check it out. Learn to accept whatever feelings your spouse shares. Feelings are not wrong, but what we do with them can be.

Rule #5 CHECK OUT GRAY AREAS. If you need clarification for what your partner is saying, ask. Mind reading is a land mine in a relationship. When in doubt, ask. Nearly half of all arguments are due to misunderstandings. Relationships should never be “shoot first and ask questions later.”

Rule #6 BE UP FRONT IN YOUR REQUESTS. Say what you want and ask your partner for his or her requests. Be clear about your needs and what you want your partner to do. Give details and get details. Compromise and negotiate when it is beneficial to the relationship.

Rule #7 FAIR FIGHTING MAKES YOU A TEAM. These guidelines are not to be used as weapons or to create win/lose situations. The goal is to strengthen the team. Just as you are yoked together, work together. Just as a team of oxen yoked together must work together as a team to accomplish their task, so must a couple become a team.

Rule #8 KEEP ON KEEPING ON. Do not give up on the relationship. Couples have about ten issues they will never agree on. Some will be serious and some not so serious. Sometimes you will only be able to share your feelings. There may be no change and you will need to accept things as they are and move on.

Rule #9 WHEN IN DOUBT, PRAY. Love like God loves. Love means caring about your partner. Selfishness kills relationships. Let God be your partner.

Rule #10 CELEBRATE. When you succeed in solving a problem —throw a party. Enjoy successes. Learn from the experience.

V. Premarital Mentoring

“Sharing life’s ultimate meaning with another person is the spiritual call of soul mates, and every couple must answer that call or risk a stunted, underdeveloped marriage. Like yeast in a loaf of bread, spirituality will ultimately determine whether your marriage rises
successfully or falls disappointingly flat.”

Why premarital mentoring?

Because most people who marry are not totally ready. How do we know—nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce? There is a huge difference between a wedding and a marriage. Most people spend more time, effort and money planning their wedding (that lasts a few hours) than their marriage, which is supposed to last a lifetime. It really does help to look at issues and maybe spot some potential problems ahead of time.

When are two people really ready?

Three critical factors

Personal readiness. Living well as a healthy single; having finances in order; knowing your goals; resolving past stuff–any issues from the past, including childhood and past relationships. Going into marriage with unresolved issues can be a disaster.

Healthy couple expectations. We all have them. Many couples never share theirs with each other. What does an “ideal marriage” look like? What do you “expect” from your partner?

The real “us”. Our society has taught us how to get married, not how to “stay” married. You must be totally authentic—warts and all. All masks are off.

Premarital Worksheet

Expectations (things you expect from this marriage; from your partner, etc.).

Determine your problem-solving methods (if this is a problem area, get my handout)

How do they differ?
How will the two of you arrive at win-win solutions?
What method did your parents use?

Examine compatibility issues (which ones are similar?)

Spirituality
Finances
Holidays and vacations
Work ethic
Family-of-origin issues
Leisure time preferences
Dreams and goals
Sexuality
In-laws
Children

Identify past hurts and losses.

Your childhood?
Previous relationships?
- How do you plan to keep those hurts from affecting your marriage?

Discuss any unresolved issues from prior relationships.

Examine your personal communication styles.

How will the two of you make sure that open lines of communication exist?
Will you communicate like your parents did?

Four traits highly correlated with marital success

Good insight into yourself and how others see you

Do you avoid or discount certain subjects?
Are there times you cover-up low self-esteem?
Is there a discrepancy between your words and your actions?
Are you open to feedback/criticism from others?
Do you handle criticism well?
Do you avoid certain topics?

Good emotional controls

Does your partner handle emotions well?
Are you at peace and relaxed or uptight most of the time?
Moodiness? Depression? Anxiety? Chronic worry? Anger or rage?
Do you manage disappointment well?
Is honesty or denial used when angry?
Is there frequent use of sarcasm, criticism, withdrawal or blame?
What do others say about your emotions?

Good relationship skills

How has your partner behaved in other relationships?
How are past relationships described?
How do s/he relate to family and friends?
Are there patterns of behavior that seem to interrupt relationships?
Does s/he possess good problem solving skills?

Vibrant, growing relationship with God

Regular time of worship
Daily quiet time
Some type of small group participation
A heart growing in honor and obedience toward God

Red flags? Remember–the goal is not “getting married” but staying married.

Lack of romance and intimacy
Assuming your partner will change
Inability to have fun together
Selfishness
Fear of conflict
Lack of respect
Over commitment of time to other things
Over spending
Too much dependence on parents or others
Addictions
Emotional and/or physical abuse
Unrealistic expectations
Needing to be taken care of
A person:
- who pushes sexual involvement
- who pushes the marriage idea too soon
- who is not spiritually mature
- who is separated (not yet divorced) or just recently divorced
- with obvious emotional wounds
- who won’t deal with issues

Expectations

What do I really want from a committed, long-term relationship?
What changes do I need to make to achieve that type of relationship?
What am I looking for in a partner?
What are my negotiable expectations? My non-negotiables?
Am I marrying because of loneliness or financial need?
Have I resolved any lingering issues from any prior relationships?
Do I have a strong support base of friends, church and/or family?

Things to Talk about Before You Marry

Family-of-Origin Issues (your birth family)

Describe your childhood and family.

What was your father/mother like?

What did you like/dislike about your childhood?

What are ways your parents related to one another that you admired? Disliked?

How did you spend holidays as a child?

Was there any physical or sexual abuse?

How were you praised? Disciplined?

In what ways are you like your same-sex/opposite sex parent?

Couple Issues

Fun—do we like the same activities? Do we laugh at the same things?

Finances- spending patterns, debt and your relationship to money.

Where do you want to live? (Now and in the future)

What do we like to do in our spare time?

Career issues

How are you at expressing feelings?

What do you want your partner to know/do when you are angry?

Is there violence in your past?

In-laws

Do you prefer a clean or messy house? How should chores be split up?

Do we values on another’s ideas?

Conflict, Problem-Solving and Decision-Making

How do you solve problems?

How did your parents solve problems?

Did either set of parents have problems with anger?

How do you react when angry? Attack or withdraw?

How have you resolved arguments?

How have “we” resolved arguments? Is it satisfactory for both or unfinished business?

How do you argue?

Do you view arguing as “bad”?

How well do we argue? Is it OK with both of us?

How do you make decisions? Microwave (fast) or crock-pot (slowly)?

Who was the decision-maker when you were a child?

How were decisions made in your last marriage?

How will we make major decisions?

VI. Remarriage

Remarrying couples have expectations that simply cannot and will not happen. In mentoring remarrying couples, it is important to remember some key realities: it takes several years for a new stepfamily to “blend”; the first two years are turbulent; children adjust much slower than adults; unrealistic expectations such as “instant love” or “instant family” are common. Below are specific reasons why remarriage presents such a challenge.

Few remarrying couples take the time to learn from past relationships. Consequently, they are primed to enter a new relationship without a clue as to why their last relationship failed. They seldom develop any new skills or insights, so they are destined to repeat the same behaviors or choose the same type of partners-over and over.

Many divorced individuals feel like a failure. They are extremely wounded both emotionally and spiritually. This woundedness has many consequences including guilt, shame, fear, distrust, self-protection, lack of empathy and an inability to communicate or solve problems effectively.

First-time marriages receive far more emotional support from family, friends and the church than remarriages. Most remarriages do not occur in churches.

Most individuals remarry too soon, and long before either they or their children have completed the grieving process. Further, the time between meeting someone and remarrying is less than half that of first-time marriages. The average remarrying adult has known their partner less than nine months.

Accountability is often absent in the life of remarrying individuals. Many divorced individuals have difficulty working though their guilt and shame and therefore stay isolated. Many perceive the church as a place they are not welcome. Further, strong feelings of loneliness propel them into new relationships much too soon.

Commitment levels are much lower in remarriage. This is true because the stigma of divorce is gone in a remarriage and the difficulties making marriage work are much higher.

Remarrying adults bring a host of unresolved issues, inaccurate beliefs and unrealistic expectations to a new stepfamily. The mental picture they have of remarriage and stepfamily life does not reflect reality.

Loyalty bonds are common in stepfamilies. The bonding between individuals seen in nuclear families does not generally exist in stepfamilies. Children and stepparents do not understand each other and parents often feel pulled between children and a new spouse. Most children do not want their parent to remarry; in fact, many children never give up hope that their divorced parents will re-unite.

Stepfamilies live in a constant state of “relational overload.” Step-relationships are far more numerous and complex than first-time families. For example, stepfamilies often include former spouses and all their relatives. These relationships can range from cordial to openly hostile and can exert unwanted control over the family. Children move back and forth between households that are very different from one another, challenging the definition of “family” and making “blending” all the more difficult. Co-parenting and discipline issues are complex and can create a great deal of conflict.

Children of divorce experience a great many changes and losses. They do not adjust to these changes or grieve these losses quickly. Many adults remarry long before their children are ready to adjust to another change. Many children are still emotionally wounded when their parents remarry. Consequently, they often have difficulty adjusting to a new family structure. This difficulty can manifest itself as depression, withdrawal, or acting out. These problems then become the focus of remarrying parents, potentially causing additional stress to an already fragile new marriage.

New relationships create very different power distributions in families. Children, for example, who perhaps had some role in the single-parent family, now find themselves on the periphery of the new family. Power struggles are common in stepfamilies, making new relationships even more difficult to develop.

Remarrying couples have a much wider disparity in age than first-time couples—often ten years or more. This means that their children may have different needs and be at very different places socially, educationally and developmentally. Age disparity can also impact such issues as discipline, lifestyle, vocation or retirement.

Sexual boundaries are far more ambiguous in remarriages. Due to emotional wounds, pain and loneliness, premarital sex is far more prevalent among remarrying couples. Unfortunately, sexual relationships often give the illusion of closeness, prompting couples to remarry too soon.

Remarrying couples have inadequate conflict resolution skills. The two key “remarriage killers” are unrealistic expectations and inadequate conflict resolution skills. The ability to talk about problems and to resolve them in a biblical manner is as important as how much the couple loves each other.

VII. How Mentoring Process Works

The Mentoring Coordinator matches mentor and mentee couples. The couples meet (weekly, bi-weekly or monthly) for a period of time (six months to one year) as they develop a friendship. They meet in a relaxed atmosphere of their choosing, perhaps enjoying snacks, a meal, or dessert together. They discuss a variety of topics about marriage.

Introducing Mentor and Mentee Couples (two ways)

Goal: To insure that that both couples are well informed and comfortable before they connect for the first time.

The mentor couple is contacted and given all the contact information on the mentee couple. From this point forward the mentor couple takes the lead and contacts the mentee couple to schedule their first face-to-face meeting.

The mentee couple is contacted before the mentor couple contacts them. This member will share the mentor’s name, contact information and other basic information.

Mentor and Mentee Meetings

Our basic model suggests that mentors meet a minimum of once a month with their mentee couple. In premarital mentoring, we suggest a relationship that begins six months before the wedding and lasts at least six months after. This sets a clear expectation of the relationship for both couples. Most of these relationships will form strong bonds and often both couples will desire to meet more often, sometimes monthly. This is a discretionary area and can only be decided as the couples get to know each other.

The First Mentoring Meeting

Getting to Know Each Other

We have found that the first get-together can feel awkward for the younger couple. It will ease their minds to know some of what will be discussed prior to the first meeting. This conversation can happen over the phone while planning the first meeting place and time. You will also want to let them know approximately how long the first meeting will last. This will again let them know what to expect and those that need childcare can plan accordingly.

During the first meeting it is very important for you to know what your couple is expecting to gain out of this relationship. Now is the time to ask them their goals and expectations of the mentoring relationship.

Here are some possible questions that will open up the relational door.

a) How did the two of you first meet?

b) What attracted you to each other?

c) How did you know this was the person you wanted to marry?

d) How did the marriage proposal occur?

e) What was your wedding day like? (Does the newly married have a picture to share)?

f) What are your strengths? Weaknesses?

g) What do imagine some challenges might be?

h) How are the children adjusting?

i) Is marriage different than you expected?

The Mentor Couple’s role in the first meeting is to ensure that the mentee couple feels accepted and cared for. The following are some suggestions on how to accomplish this:

a) Share how you and your spouse first met

b) Describe what attracted you to each other

c) Tell them about your engagement

d) Describe your wedding day and honeymoon(as appropriate)

e) Unpack small pieces of your marriage* that you feel are relevant to your mentee couple

f) Let them know that even great marriages have challenges

* Note: This meeting is all about the mentee couple. Share just enough to allow them to feel comfortable sharing their experiences with you. Unpack your story slowly and gently.

Mentoring at a Glance

In this first meeting it is important that you give the mentee couple an overview of the mentoring relationship to support what was said in the introductory phone call. Often only one spouse has been the only contact thus far; this enables both spouses to hear the same information and gives them an opportunity to ask questions.

Let your couple know that the mentoring ministry is supported by PCC leadership. You may want to say, “The marriage mentoring ministry is designed to build stronger marriages and is a part of Family Ministries at Pantano.”

Explain to them how couples get involved in this ministry

Remind them about the number of times you are planning on meeting with them.

Talk about the length of the meetings (1 ½ – 2 hours). This is very important for those needing childcare while you meet.

Remind them that everything shared in this relationship is confidential.

Inform the mentee couple that how much they share with you is up to them. The couple needs to agree on the content of what they share and both couples need to abide by this standard. Let them know that they will be given questions to think about to prepare them to share at the next visit.

Conclusion of first meeting

Inform your mentee couple of any resources, enrichment classes, seminars, or retreats that might be available.

As couples, reflect on the conversation during your first meeting together and evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of the mentee couple. In doing so, the mentor couple can encourage and challenge the mentees with questions for them to consider prior to the next meeting.

Bring a calendar to set a specific date and time for your next meeting. While both couples write down the date and time, tell the mentees several items you would like to discuss next time and have them write those down, too. Tell the couple you will be contacting them a week before the next meeting to confirm.

This first meeting has been all about building a trust relationship with your mentee couple. The introduction is over and the relationship has begun. Both couples have shared some life experiences and have had a chance to ask some questions. The mentor’s responsibility now moves to a servant leader role as they process what they have learned about the mentee couple. They should now spend time asking the Lord how they can best minister to and walk alongside the couple in this new relationship. Stay prayed up! Eric and Jen Garcia

The Second Mentoring Meeting

Establishing goals for marriage

Prior to your second meeting, contact your mentee couple to remind them that the topic of discussion will be goals they might have for their marriage. Ask them to be prepared to answer the questions below at the next meeting. Your primary goal in the second meeting will be to process the couple’s personal goals for their marriage.

You will need to take the lead in this meeting to enable the mentees to feel comfortable sharing with you. The most effective way to do this is to talk openly about the couples whose marriages you have admired and to be honest about those you had no desire to emulate. It is essential that you have discussed this as a couple and have agreed on what you will share.

Mentee questions (from Parrott & Parrott)

Can you share with us some marriages you have observed that you respect and value?
What characteristics in these marriages would you like to build into your marriage? What would you have to do to implement these things in your marriage?
What are some negative characteristics in marriages you have observed that you do not want in your marriage? How do you avoid allowing these things to creep into your marital relationship?
What are some specific goals you have for your marriage?

Clearly Define Mentees’ Goals

While you and your spouse process your mentees’ goals with them, listen well so you can assist them in summarizing and even prioritizing their goals. The environment in this stage of the relationship still needs to be conversational, but it is imperative that you stay intentionally focused on the goals they are setting for themselves. Remember this may be the first time they have had this conversation together and the Lord has allowed you to be part of this special moment.

Strength and Opportunities for Growth

This segment is the most crucial for the mentee couple. It begins with the mentor couple sharing and then it naturally transfers to the mentee couple. The process of identifying strengths and areas that could use improvement in their marriage is the beginning of seeing the Lord work in an incredible way in their relationship. This will be a very insightful time for the mentor couple and will have an enriching effect upon their marriage too.

The Process:

The mentor couple begins by sharing items from the list that they managed well in their marriage.

Identify 2-3 areas you consider strengths (S); any you would like to improve (I).

____Communication

____Resolving conflicts

____Finances & budgeting

____Social life

____Affection & sexuality

____Family planning/child rearing

____Relationship w/family & in-laws

____Religion/spiritual Intimacy

____Time together/companionship

____Leisure time and friends

____Commitment to marriage

____Education and/or career plans

Move to those matters that need improvement today or that needed it in the past. It is very important that you address these items in advance and agree to what level you want to describe them.
Have your mentee couple identify three areas in their marriage that are examples of strengths and three that could use improvement. Although this was a homework assignment from the first meeting, give your couple some time to process these questions and agree on what they are going to share.
Compliment them on their strengths and encourage them to continue fortifying those areas. Be sure to use good listening skills. Ask them how you can best serve them in turning their areas needing improvement into strengths. It may be as simple as suggesting resources and following up with them to see what they used.

In some cases this will be when you start walking them through some very intentional resources and tools. These resources should be agreed upon by both couples and seen as a real asset to their specific growth as a couple.

Conclusion of second meeting

Ask the mentee couple to select one strength, one goal and one growth item to process with them during the next meeting. Let them know that you will contact them in a week or two to find out which items they have chosen. It is very important that they have time as a couple to discuss this request.
Schedule your next meeting before you leave. Make contact with the couple two weeks and again one week prior to the next meeting. Always remind them gently about the items you plan on processing with them to ensure they are prepared.

The trust that is so necessary in this relationship truly comes into play during the 2nd meeting. The relationship grows exponentially when you begin examining your mentees’ goals, strengths and growth opportunities. The more structured part of the mentoring process has now begun with your mentee couple. They are engaged with you in evaluating and thinking through their marriage. As you move forward keep the focus limited to one goal, one strength and one area of growth. If you add too many areas of focus you will limit the spontaneous expressions of need or questions your mentee couple will approach you with. In other words, do not over structure the time with your couple as it will limit what you want to accomplish. Stay prayed up! Eric and Jennifer Garcia

Ongoing Mentoring Meetings

Relationship Time

The most significant time you will have with your mentee couple occurs when there is no agenda present. You simply want to hear what is going on in their lives. Remember that you may have to start this conversation off, but should swiftly turn it over to them.

Processing their area of Strength

Ask them how they are maintaining their area of strength they shared with you. Using what they share, continue to ask other questions to encourage them to leave the superficial and progress to the deeper answers. Your goal is to support and challenge them to continue building this area of strength.

Processing their Goals and Growth Opportunities

Direct the conversation by asking specifically about the goal and growth areas they shared with you. A simple lead question is, “What are you doing to achieve this goal or grow in this area you shared with us?” Once they start sharing their answers ask them how you can serve them in those specific areas. Be prepared because your personal life experiences and stories may directly relate to their needs. You may also know of resources they can use together that may be very effective.

Sharing Life Experiences

Mutual sharing is so important throughout the mentoring relationship. The credibility and trust you will gain by being open regarding your marriage and life will help create the safe environment needed for true growth to take place in your mentee couple’s marriage.

Encouragement and Support

Be the cheerleader for your mentee couple and celebrate their marriage with them. Make even the smallest successes something to be excited about. Ensure they know you believe in them and fully support them in their desire to enrich their marriage.

Conclusion of Meetings

Ask your mentees to be prepared to share with you a new area of strength, a goal and a area needing improvement just as they did in the second meeting. Contact prior to your next meeting to determine what strength, goal and area needing improvement they would like to process with you during the next meeting. Schedule your next meeting before you leave this one and give yourself a reminder to contact the mentee couple prior to the next meeting. Send out a reminder before the meeting. This conversation will increase the odds that they will be freshly prepared for a fruitful meeting the following week.

Relationship Building (mentoring between meetings)

Both as a couple and individually, be praying for your mentee couple and let them know that you are committed to continuing to do so.
Call your mentee couple, men calling men and women calling women, with no real agenda except to let them know you care. This is a great time to ask them how you can be praying for them.
Send them anniversary cards as well as birthday cards for themselves and their children (if applicable).
Drop them notes of encouragement and maybe even an article you have encountered that can enrich their marriage.
Get together and simply do coffee or dessert, whether it is as men only, women only or as couples.
If you are daring, you could even watch their children while they go out on a date – totally optional!

When to Refer

Mentors are on the front line. Please call us if any of the concerns listed are present:

Person is quiet, sullen, withdrawn
Quit a job or made other dramatic change for no apparent reason
Excessive irrational fear
Violence or threat of violence
Suicidal language
Angry explosions
Problems with sleeping, eating, daily functioning
Drug or alcohol abuse
Severe anxiety or depression
Psychological symptoms: voices, delusions, paranoia

VIII. General Relationship Topics

The items listed below are topics that most married couples face. In most marriages husbands and wives have similar views on many things in life and totally differ on other areas. This is very healthy and normal the key is getting the dialog started that will assist them in understanding and respecting each others views.

Housing/Apartment Arrangement – present situation, future plans
Household Tasks and Management – division of tasks, chores
Finances – priorities, budget, commitments, management of accounts, decision making
Relations with Friends – time with friends, couple vs. individual friends
Relations with Family and In-laws – amount of time and involvement
Religion and Spirituality – religious involvement, similar beliefs/convictions, charitable contributions
Communication – frequency, listening and speaking skills
Affection – how/where expressed, frequency
Sexuality – how expressed, frequency
Education and Career Plans/Involvement – goals, time spent, current status
Plans for children – timing, number, spacing
Child Rearing/Parenting practices-discipline, nurturing, encouragement, involvement
Conflict Resolution – skills for resolving differences
Leisure Activities – amount of time, joint vs. individual activities, cost
Habits – time/punctuality, neatness, food/eating, drugs/alcohol, sleep, smoking
Health – exercise, devotions/mediation

VIV. Tasks of Early Marriage

1. Adjust to different likes/dislikes, preferences, habits.

Sleep, cars, maintenance

Holidays/traditions, punctuality

Food/eating habits, shopping

Cleaning, laundry, recycling

Television/stereo, standards of neatness, cleanliness

Pets, bathroom use, showering time

Appearance etiquette

Affectionate expression; sexual desires and expression

2. Shift from “me” to “we”.

Money, vacations

Friends, religion

Recreation, appearance

Career, food/eating

Decision making, politics

3. Re-negotiate relationships with family members and in-laws.

Relationship priority

Amount of involvement

Setting boundaries – geographical and privacy issues

Shift in identity – from son/daughter to husband/wife

Communication, consultation, decision-making

Holidays, vacations

4. Decide role assignment and division of household tasks.

Shopping, trash

Insurance, buy gifts, send letters

Car and maintenance, repairs

Yard work, pay bills

Housework, arrange social activities

Establish and furnish house or apartment.

Juggle education, career, and family life.

Make decisions about family planning.

8. Face disillusionment – unmet expectations of marriage (e.g., time together affection, conflicts).

Application and Background Information for Mentor Couples

Mentors are encouragers, discussion facilitators and prayer partners.

Qualifications

§ Married at least two years

§ Christ-followers

§ Determined to base their marriage on biblical principles

§ Regular attenders of Pantano Christian Church

§ Committed to the vision, core values and faith statement of PCC

Last Name _______________________________

Husband’s name________________ Wife’s Name________________________

Street ___________________________ City___________State ____ Zip _____

Primary Phone ____ ______-_______ Secondary Phone ______ ______-_____

Email ______________________________

Husband’s (DOB) _____/____/_____ Wife’s Date of Birth _____/_____/______

Date of Marriage_____/_____/_______ Remarriage Y__ N__

Number of Children ______ Names and ages___________________________

________________________________________________________________

How long have you attended PCC? ____________

Areas of prior involvement___________________________________________

All couples have areas of strength and areas in which they would like to grow. As you consider the topics below, identify 2-3 areas that you would consider strengths (S) in your relationship. Also, identify any areas you would like to improve (I).

____Communication

____Resolving Conflicts

____Finances & Budgeting

____Social Life

____Affection & Sexuality

____Family Planning/Child Rearing

____Relationship w/Family & In-laws

____Religion/Spiritual Intimacy

____Time Together/ Companionship

____Leisure Time and Friends

____Commitment to Marriage

____Education and/or Career Plans

Describe 2-3 strengths from the list above and why you see them as strengths.

Describe 2-3 growth areas and what you think will help you grow in these areas.

What strengths do you have to offer the mentoring program?

What questions or concerns do you have about the mentoring program?

Why is this a good time in your marriage to serve as a mentor?

Personal Testimonies

Share how you came to have a personal relationship with Christ. (circumstance, events leading up to it.)

How has your faith impacted your marriage?

Mentoring request

Date____________

Name___________________________

Address______________________________________________________________________

Phone (best#) ___________________________________

Email_______________________________________________

Wedding date_________________ Anniversary date______________

Remarriage Y__ N__
PCC Member Y__ N__
Children? If yes, names and ages________________________________
In a life group? If yes, which one? ________________________________
PCC marriage prep classes taken _____________________

Brief description of need: