Sexuality and dating
It is clear that God wants us to see sexuality from an eternal perspective. Sexuality is part of God’s design. Just as He made us relational beings, He also made us sexual beings. This area is an incredible stumbling block for those that are dating. Singles looking to marry often have an abbreviated courtship period due to finances and loneliness. A strong desire for intimacy, including sexuality, often hastens a couple toward marriage. Sexuality is a gift from God that calls for stewardship and responsibility, not misuse or abuse.
Biblical truths about our sexuality
- Our sexuality is a gift from our Creator.
- God’s standard is purity-even if that means secondary purity. We are new creatures in Christ.
- Sexuality is multi-faceted, and includes social, emotional, and spiritual as well as physical aspects.
- We are each a steward of our own sexuality.
- God knows best when it comes to sexual boundaries.
- God has put limits on sexual expression for our good.
- Our relational and intimacy needs can be met without sex.
- Stewardship of my sexuality is a lifelong process.
- We can trust God with our lives and our relationships.
You may be struggling with your sexuality. You may be considering a sexual relationship with your partner; you may already be sexual. Perhaps you are already living with someone. You may be dealing with the consequences of childhood events such as abuse or incest or more recent trauma such as spouse abuse or rape. You may feel you hate the opposite sex or you may even hate yourself. You may have difficulty seeing yourself as a sexual being or you may be having difficulty with your sexual boundaries. Some of you may be struggling with the unfaithfulness of a partner. You may have even contracted an STD through his or her behavior.
Sexuality and understanding your own sexual boundaries are clearly important topics in dating and remarriage. In reality, sexuality is about you and God. Our goal is not to shame you but to inform you. God has a great deal to say about sexuality. Just as important, however, He has a lot to say about you. He loves you and wants the very best for you. His ideals lead to our best possible destiny. Please review the following material and make informed choices. This is a critical area of discussion with a potential partner. Please take the time to get clear about your sexuality.
First and foremost, sexuality is very personal. God made you a sexual being. You have choices about how you will involve yourself sexually with others. This is true no matter what your past; even if you have traumatized by abuse, incest or rape. These horrible intrusions may have left you feeling ashamed and guilty. You may even hate your own sexuality, the opposite sex or even yourself. If this is the case, please find a caring pastor or counselor with who to talk. Please be clear on this, there is nothing broken in you that sex will fix. You are not less than whole; you are whole in Christ. Neither sex nor marriage can make you whole; only God.
The decision to be sexual with a partner is a choice you should make without feeling coerced or obligated. It is a choice that should be consistent with your values. Sexual boundaries can appear vague and blurred to those who have been sexual in prior relationships. The stigma surrounding abstaining seems less urgent or less relevant. A strong desire for intimacy, including sexuality, often hastens a couple toward sex or even cohabitating before marriage or remarriage. For many, sex is a way of finding acceptance or dispelling loneliness. However, sexual contact tends to make a new relationship “feel” more intimate than it really is. Sex creates a bond, but it does not necessarily create love. Sexuality can create a false sense of oneness, which is a distortion of God’s call for a couple to become “one flesh.” Sexual contact can result in relationships that do not “fit” and partners that we would normally not choose. God made sex and He meant it to be pleasurable. He also meant it as a gift to be enjoyed in marriage. Resolve to keep your relationships non-sexual until marriage. Be clear about your values before the first date.
Intimacy is the gradual development of understanding and appreciation for another person by listening, discussing, sharing, and being mutually involved. It can exist in several realms, not just the physical. One can be intimate with a person and not physical. Dating someone who is not actively living his or her faith will result in great disappointment. Take the time to find someone spiritually compatible. (II Cor. 6:14)
My advice is to not have sex until you are married. Become friends first. Agree to wait. Be firm and intentional here. Sex should be discussed up front. Limits and boundaries should be crystal clear. If a person will not respect your boundaries here, he or she has impulse control or integrity issues and will likely not respect your boundaries in other areas. If a person consistently violates your boundaries or continually pushes your limits, terminate the relationship. If you do not, not only will you lose their respect, but your own as well.
If you are currently having sex with your partner, please stop. You are harming yourself and the relationship. Sex tends to “rush” relationships, not allowing time for two people to really get to know one another. If you are currently co-habitating, one of you should move out. If that is not possible immediately, then move into separate bedrooms and stop having sex. Co-habituation clearly decreases marriage success, because it emphasizes relationship without commitment. Also, be clear on this, God has forgiven your past. No matter how sexually active you have been in the past, or how many relationships you have had, God can heal, forgive and restore you. Please do not continue to have sex out of guilt, shame or fear. Sex will never lead to the intimacy you desire.
Sexuality can drive us into relationships in a sinful context. Many individuals report that they have become sexual or contemplated moving in with a partner as a way of determining sexual compatibility. Their reasoning is that knowing if they are compatible before marriage will lessen the chance of divorce in the future. In my experience, sexual compatibility is an overblown concept. In over thirty years of counseling couples, I have seen very few cases of true sexual incompatibility. Two human beings that deeply love each other can be sexually compatible. Sex is a powerful way to deepen love between two people and enhance their relationship. It is also a powerful way to hurt when it is experienced in the wrong context. While sex creates a powerful bonding, it does not necessarily create love. In fact, it often does the opposite. Many men, for example, begin to have a lower view of their partners once they are having sex with then. Again, the facts refute this anti-abstinence argument. Women who live with their boyfriends are many times more likely to be physically abused than married women. The statistics on cohabitation are overwhelming and compelling—it actually increases the chances of divorce. A strong commitment to God and to one another is still the best hedge we know against divorce.
Find an individual or group who can encourage you and to whom you can be accountable. If you are struggling in this area, talk to a pastor or counselor. If you feel you may have a sexual disorder, contact a physician. If you struggle with sexuality issues due to past abuse, please contact a professional trained in abuse counseling. Also consider groups such as Celebrate Recovery.
Handling the physical (Romans 6:12; Gal. 5:16-24; Phil. 1:10; I John 2:15-16)
In Dating, Waiting and Choosing a Mate, Norman Wright and Marvin Inmon list five advantages to not being sexual before marriage.
- There will be no guilt over having disobeyed God’s laws.
- There will be no fear of conceiving a child and having to decide what to do next.
- There will not be any comparing of one’s current partner with a former partner.
- The self-control learned by waiting will be transferable to any subsequent periods of absence from one’s spouse.
- The pleasure of sexual satisfaction shared with only each other brings excitement to the marriage.
Personal Sexual Checklist
How comfortable am I with my sexuality?
Am I operating with faulty beliefs about sex from childhood?
Do I feel good about my body?
Do I struggle with self-acceptance?
Is sex without love okay for me?
What role do I want sex and relationships to play in my life at this time?
What are my values regarding sexual relationships and where do they come from (family, church, friends, media)?
How well do my values and behavior match up?
Will a decision to engage in a sexual relationship with my partner at this time enhance/detract from my positive feelings about me and my partner?
Can I talk about sex with my partner, my support group, and my friends?
Can I acknowledge my feelings and consider them an authentic part of me?
Can I recognize my vulnerabilities?
Am I open to learning about sexuality?
Can I be authentic in my relationships with other?
Can I articulate my sexual boundaries and expectations?
Do I understand the distinction between sex and love?
Do I fear that my partner might leave if I am not physical?
Are there unresolved issues from my past that I have not addressed?
Am I able to trust those close to me?
Am I taking great care of myself?
Do I feel vulnerable or defensive around members of the opposite gender?
Am I clear on God’s view of sexuality?
Can I view celibacy as a gift and an opportunity?
Do I sabotage relationships because of a fear of intimacy?
Talk about these questions with a friend, counselor, pastor, accountability partner, sponsor or your support group.
God made sex and He made us sexual beings. He made sex to be a source of pleasure and unity. God did not design sex such that by its avoidance we would grow closer to Him. Sex has meaning beyond itself—it is a gift that reflects the very essence of God. Sexual relationships between a man and a woman should be based on mutuality. Love is more about giving and serving than taking or being served.
