Big idea: The survival of a relationship is determined by how well a couple handles conflict and solves problems. Most couples are horrible at solving problems.
Conflict will happen. It is a normal part of any relationship. The health of a relationship can be measured by how problems are addressed and ultimately resolved. Problems themselves are not necessarily a sign that a marriage is in trouble. Dealing with problems in unhealthy ways (see below), however, is a signal of a troubled relationship. If a couple cannot develop an effective strategy for addressing problems, the result will be a backlog of unresolved issues, leading to bitterness, resentment and the breakdown of the relationship.
Most individuals are very poor problem solvers, primarily because they dislike any form of conflict or confrontation. In From Conflict to Resolution, Dr. Susan Heitler discusses five approaches to problem solving. The first four represent unhealthy and therefore unsuccessful responses to conflict. Successful problem solving involves the ability of two people to listen intentionally as each shares their needs and concerns and to respond to what is shared with understanding and acceptance. A trademark of all maladaptive approaches to conflict is the lack of listening and responding positively to the needs expressed. Let’s examine Heitler’s four types of unhealthy responses.
The first type and the most common response to conflict is immobilization-doing nothing. Some individuals view a pending conflict as a red flag of danger. As they perceive the danger getting closer, their level of anxiety rises. The anxiety they experience causes them to “freeze,” leaving them unable to say or do anything, hoping that the threat will simply disappear. Over time the threat usually does subside, allowing them to return to their normal level of functioning, never dealing with the issues at hand, which would again be anxiety producing. Unfortunately, unresolved issues never go away for long. Anxiety is a common problem in wounded individuals. It exists in many forms: low self-esteem, inferiority, inadequacy, insecurity, pleasing, worry, fear, shame, guilt, tension, nervous habits, somatic symptoms, etc.
The second non-adaptive approach to conflict is submission—giving in. For a variety of reasons, some individuals have learned to give in to the other party in a conflict. A domineering parent, for example, could be the seed of this approach to conflict. Common expressions of giving in include: depression, suicide, helplessness, hopelessness, martyrdom, perfectionism, “walking on eggshells,” passivity, and co-dependency.
The third non-adaptive approach to conflict is attack. Anger and a win-lose mindset fuel this approach. Rage and anger are very energizing and action producing. Individuals who utilize attack always see the problem as “outside” them. They consider themselves as having little or no control over or responsibility for the problem. They assume that the problem will only improve or be resolved if they can get the other party to change, no matter what approach they must use. Common attack methods include: demands, manipulation, criticism, blame, sarcasm, accusations, “you” statements, coercion, threats, violence and intimidation.
The last type of unhealthy reaction to conflict is escape. Individuals who feel powerless or overwhelmed will flee from potential conflict situations. Escape can take many forms, both physical and emotional. Some individuals will flee the relationship entirely. Others will escape via addictions-drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, shopping, pornography or food Other commons forms of escape include: suicide, work, exercise, traveling, excessive TV viewing, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, denial, social withdrawal, walking out of the room, refusing to talk.
Below is a summary of popular alternatives to effective problem solving.
- fighting
- arguing
- hassling
- demanding
- blaming
- whining
- complaining
- avoiding
- hiding
- pouting
- obsessing
- worrying
- manipulating
- coercing
- denying
- rationalizing
- catastrophizing
- procrastinating
- yelling
- running-away
- hitting
Review the four unhealthy approaches to solving problems. Do any of them characterize your approach to conflict? If so, how will you change?
The final approach to conflict is to honestly and openly share needs and concerns and search for mutually agreeable, “good enough” solutions.
Sue likes John to choose where they eat dinner. She really doesn’t know why. John finds this annoying and wonders why Sue can’t decide sometimes. Sue’s deep need is to know that John cares about the details of their life together. Clashes over seemingly small decisions are really Sue’s attempts to determine how much John cares.
Jim and Shelly argue over who will pick up the children from daycare. Shelly comments, “I always wind up picking up the kids.” Jim replies, “I’m really busy at work.” Occasionally Jim will relent and pick up the kids. Shelly seldom feels OK about the situation, she wonders if Jim really cares about the family. Perhaps he feels his time is more valuable or maybe he doesn’t care any more.
Cooperation
Solving problems is a cooperative process between people whose current needs clash. Problems arise when an individual feels his or her deep needs are not being met. Conflict arises when needs compete. The solution is to find ways to meet each person’s needs well enough so that each feels satisfied with the outcome. This is often referred to as compromise.
Successful problem solving requires listening, shared motivation, communication skills and practice. Effective problem solving is a promise to honor each other’s uniqueness and to meet one another’s deep needs. To understand problem solving, you must understand core needs. Problem solving is about having our core needs met. Core needs tend to be very basic needs each person has that are usually out of our awareness. For example, the most basic need in every conflict is the need for respect. When mutual respect does not exist, conflict resolution is extremely ineffective. Conflicts in blended families are usually more frequent and complex, involve more people and are more difficult to resolve than conflicts in nuclear families. People are complex; so are there needs and issues. The problems we express are often multi-layered, meaning that each person has one or more unmet core needs underneath their expressed needs. Deep core needs are not easily identified or easily met. Make a commitment to explore, identify and express these needs.
Relational Core Needs
As previously mentioned, core needs are deeply held needs that often exist just below our level of awareness. Some core needs can be met personally, for example, a need for achievement. The core needs listed below require the involvement of a partner. Having these core needs met is critical to the survival of a relationship. Most of us are aware of our surface needs but unaware of our deep core needs. We may have a vague sense that our needs are not being met, but we often cannot articulate what those needs actually are. Our partner cannot meet needs we do not express. Look at the list below; check the needs that you would identify as core for you. This list is not exhaustive; add any needs not on this list.
- Being heard when I vent
- Help in clarifying my feelings
- Being confronted respectfully
- Encouragement
- Feeling needed and valued
- Comfort and reassurance
- Respect
- Supportive feedback
- Emotional safety/security
- Love and affection
- Sexual intimacy
- Companionship
- Spiritual sharing
- Reducing anxiety
- Attention
- Approval
- Acceptance
- Appreciation
List your three primary core needs
List ways you can express these needs to your partner
How do you want these needs met?
Where are you stuck?
Problem solving process
There are three typical outcomes to relationship conflicts.
- Resolution: everyone’s core needs are met “well enough” and everyone feels good enough about the outcome.
- Semi-resolution (the most common): surface needs addressed and met, but most core needs still unmet. Everyone denies, avoids, and minimizes the outcome.
- Non-resolution: at least one person openly states that their core needs remain unmet and that they are not satisfied with the outcome.
Three unfortunate things will occur from the last two outcomes:
• The relationship will struggle or ultimately break apart.
• Children in the family will not develop important coping and problem-solving skills.
• Family members will feel empty and disconnected.
Effective problem solving is based on two important shared beliefs:
• Meeting my partner’s true needs (vs. mine) is a primary goal we share.
• This shared process is our best available option, and probably will succeed well enough for both of us to feel satisfied with the outcome.
The following are steps that will facilitate effective problem solving:
- Honestly acknowledging that a conflict exists-one or both of us has unmet core needs
- Attitude of equality—your needs and values are just as important as mine
- Embracing one another as valuable and worthwhile
- Agreeing that the relationship is far more important than the issue at hand
- Understanding than any solution that makes one of us deny who we are is not a viable solution
- Allowing emotions, even strong emotions, to be a part of our process. Emotions tell us about our values and needs.
- Agreeing to problem solve together—both agreeing to commit to the process
- Setting aside quality time to talk – undistracted, uncommitted time
- Praying and inviting God to be a partner
- Clarifying and simplifying the issues—one subject at a time
- Determining if the conflict is abstract (differing values or philosophies), or concrete (tangible things or preferences) If abstract—work toward compromise or agreeing to disagree; if concrete—brainstorm and seek win-win solutions
- “Digging down” below surface needs to find the true tensions (needs) motivating each person at this moment
- Staying focused on current needs and the issue at hand
- Confirming that each person clearly understands their own true needs; their partners true needs and that each values the other’s needs equally
- Generating possible solutions
- Mutually choosing the best-fit option from the “solution pool,” and determining if each partner is really satisfied enough
- Staying with the process long enough to see positive results (hanging in there)
- If problem solving works well enough, appreciating each other and celebrating the process
- Looking back and re-evaluating if and when necessary
- What steps in this process are the most difficult?
- Are you able to distinguish between surface and core needs?
Attitudes that enhance problem-solving
Problem solving is a promise. A promise to share, a promise to affirm one another’s basic worth and value, a promise to stay with the process, a promise to keep our word and a promise to meet each other’s needs to the best of our ability. Our attitude can enhance or at the extreme, defeat the process. Below are some examples of thoughts and attitudes that can enhance the problem solving process.
- Realizing that problem solving is a process
- Taking the long view—progress rather than perfection
- Sharing a commitment to personal self-examination
- Defining together what effective problem solving looks like
- Being clear about personal priorities
- Accepting that personal changes will have to be made
- Keeping a “partnership” mindset
- Committing to practice communication skills
- Focusing on serving one another in love
- Seeing God as a partner in the process
- Seeing your partner through God’s eyes of love
- Committing to love and honor one another no matter what
- Appreciating each other’s uniqueness
What does the Bible say?
If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if His love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care—then do me a favor: agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting the advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself (Phil. 2:1-5 The Message).
