Remarriage is a unique experience, different in many ways from first-time marriages. Make no mistake though, God stands for your remarriage and wants to bless it. Marriage is hard work, and remarriage— especially when children are involved— can be even more challenging. Fireproofing your remarriage will involve a commitment to never leaving your partner behind. Below are several ways you can make that commitment a reality.
First things first.
Make your faith in God the cornerstone of your marriage. Discover together ways to encourage each other’s faith. Draw your value and worth from God, not from each other or your children; this way you can love one another out of your fullness in Christ, not out of your woundedness. Only in your fullness can you love without fear or control.
Create an atmosphere of grace and trust in your home.
Allow your home to become a safe place where family members can identify, share, negotiate and blend their needs, concerns, disappointments, and disagreements, without judgments, put-downs or repercussions. Authentic relationships are built as family members feel safe, protected, valued and trusted and take responsibility for their actions. Build values in your home that reflect the character of Jesus, who loved powerfully and saw the very best in others.
Make your marriage primary.
Above all else, learn to nurture and nourish each other. Your children desperately need to see a real marriage that works. Be flexible and learn to balance the needs of your marriage with the needs of your children. Then you can be a safe haven for each other, yet able to flex with conflict and with the needs of your children. Develop the capacity to meet your own needs, and to tolerate displays of negative affect (emotion).
Have a rock-solid commitment to your marriage and family.
Make your relationship a priority; work to establish a sense of shared partnership; “we” instead of “me.” Commitment is about sacrifice and dedication; it will get you through the tough times. Commitment is a decision, not a feeling. It bolts the doors and locks the windows.
Learn to be patient and flexible.
Adaptability may be the single most important remarriage life skill. Combining families with different rules, routines and histories takes a good deal of patience. No need to pray for patience, there will be plenty of opportunities to practice.
Put the past in the past.
Letting go of the past is so important because many of us bring baggage into our relationships. Baggage is the remnants of past failures, hurts and disappointments. Make peace with your past; practice radical forgiveness, for yourself as well as others.
Keep expectations realistic.
Most remarrying couples have expectations that are not consistent with the realities stepfamily life. Be aware of misbeliefs; the most common are “instant love” or “instant family.”
Understand the stepparent role.
Developing an effective role for the stepparent is a critical stepcouple task. Inability to resolve the parent-child-stepparent triangle is the number one cause of remarriage failure.
Get and stay connected.
We really do need each other. Do not isolate; develop and maintain a network of family and friends who can pray with you, and provide guidance, encouragement and accountability.
Discover your mission.
Become involved in ministry. The goal of your marriage and family is not just to be healthy, but to impact your culture (colleagues, friends, family, neighborhood) for Christ.